This is the million dollar question.
Why did I get cancer.
Some people ask me this, and by some I mean like 65% of people I meet that find out I am a cancer survivor. They ask me why I had cancer, they ask me if I know what caused the cancer.
There are studies that show that eating sugar, using microwaves or eating Chinese salted fish will give you cancer. Some people believe that sin will cause cancer. And while yes, I use a microwave, and eat sugar, and yes I have my fair share of sinning, I don't think that is why I got cancer.
This past week I was at a conference and I was super into that the speaker was sharing with the group, but then a note fell out of my bible, it was a note I wrote myself a few weeks before I got diagnosed. On the top of the note I wrote the bible verses "To whom He loves, He disciplines. Behold He stands at the door and knocks..." Then under it I wrote "Lord I'm ready now, all my walls are down."
It hit me right then and there. In a chair in the middle of nowhere Indiana. I got cancer because the Lord loves me.
Okay, I get that some people may not want to hear that, and I'm not saying everyone has to believe that. But the Lord saw me in the state I was living in, in April 2015, and He saw that I was running fast and far away, and He loved me enough to see this broken, hot mess of a girl and REDEEM her. Redeem the hurt, the scars, the deep wounds. He wanted me to fulfill my destiny and purpose in Him, that He couldn't just let me keep on living how I was. He loved me enough to let me have a wake up call. He loved me enough to make my old self new again.
Now, does this mean I think God GAVE me cancer? Absolutely not.
Do I think He ALLOWED my body to get filled with stage 4 lymphoma? Absolutely.
And do I think He was, and is still a good God. I really do.
I believe that God is sovereign and I believe He is in control of every aspect. My cancer didn't take Him by surprise.
I believe that when I was born almost 10 weeks early, and not given a good chance to survive as a new born, that 23 years ago while I was laying in that incubator, God looked down and knew that 21 years later I would be in the same hospital, fighting for my life all over again. He used my newborn frail body to bring my mom to salvation, and then also use my frail and dying body to bring my life into redemption and have new life in Christ. So I also believe that God allowed my 21 year old body to get filled with cancer, He allowed me to be given 1 week to live, and He is so so so good to walk me through the worst 6 months of my life, all because He loves me.
He wants me.
He chose me.
He wasn't satisfied with how I was living. He knew I had potential. He had called me to something much bigger than just a 60 hour work week and living to feel loved by whoever would give it.
That to me is radical love. That God would love me enough to show me how valuable life is, and to also ultimately show me that He is in control of every single aspect of my life. He didn't want me to be living how I was, it broke His heart.
He loved me enough to restore the joy of my salvation to me.
THAT IS LOVE!