I am so thankful for this journey and walk I've had with this ugly word called cancer. You might this I'm crazy for saying that or you might be thinking "how can she be THANKFUL for cancer." But honestly, regardless of the long scary nights, the many tears and pain, I wouldn't trade these last 5 months. I have grown in ways I never thought was possible. I have seen the Lord move and work in my life countless times.
About a month before I was diagnosed I prayed that God would take anything out of my life that was hindering me from following him. Little did I know he was going to take the biggest idol in my life, my job. I never thought God would take something I worked so hard for, something that isn't "bad' but it had become something that I replaced God with. He took my health, and allowed me to walk through this. He took my security and my independence, but He hasn't left my side through this all.
I have realized that I CANNOT do this on my own, I now know that my strength does not come from myself but it comes from Him! He has made me rely and trust him to wake up every morning. And I know His future for me is good. My faith in Christ's total healing has increased. I know for certain, without a shadow of a doubt that He WILL heal me, whether it's here on earth or when He calls me to heaven. I know my worth is not in things of the earth, it's not in my job and it's not in my relationship status. My worth and identity is in Christ, and He is enough for me.
I'm still learning to be thankful for somethings, cancer has a way a leaving nasty reminders behind. I have these cute scars on my body from biopsies, PICC lines, and from my lovely mediport. But instead of hating these scars, I embrace them as reminders that I am still alive and that God is not done with me. I have cavities between every single tooth, but I am thankful that I still have reasons to smile. I lost my beautiful long hair, my eyebrows and eye lashes, but God still says I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I may never understand fully why God took so many things from me. But as it says in Job, He gives and He takes away. And what He has given me outweighs what He has took. He has given me a joyful heart, He has given me LIFE, and I will forever be thankful for that. He gave me the faith that I had been praying for, and He put a new song inside me, and I want everyone to see His glory and His might through this.
So, a quick update. I have finished chemotherapy!!!! (hoping and crossing fingers) I can't believe I got through it. The Lord for sure carried me through that, because there was nothing in me that wanted to continue. The night before I finished I just laid in my hospital bed sobbing, I just wanted to be finished, I'm not sure if it just all hit me way too hard, or I was just sick of being stuck in that terrible hospital room, but my mom sang me hymns until I fell asleep, and I got thru the last day of chemo with a lot of support from my lovely nurses.
So whats next? I'm not 100% sure what the future looks like, I have a doctors appointment in a couple weeks, and I've scheduled my PET scan to see if the cancer is completely gone, and I'm declaring in JESUS' name that I will be cancer free, but if not; He is still good and faithful to complete what He started in my life.