Thursday, September 3, 2015

And if not...He is still good

My sister wrote a post this week about the bible story of Shadrack, Meshach and Abednego, and how they were placed in front of a fiery furnace and how their faith did not waver. They still said, "even if God does not spare our life, He is the God we chose to serve." That made me think about my journey I'm taking right now. I feel like I've been placed in front of a pretty hot furnace, and I am expecting in full faith for my God to heal me, but right now, in the waiting, do I still say He is good, and do I still say He is the one I worship?

There are so many time I don't feel like saying that. I have to be completely honest and say the last month has been filled with me laying on my bed crying and feeling depressed for myself. God is still good though. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, because I still feel depressed. I mean, I'm reading my bible daily, praying constantly, listening to worship music, but maybe that's where I have it wrong. Maybe there isn't some magic formula to make me not feel depressed during this season of life. Maybe its my outlook, and if I'm still willing to say "God, you are good."

I've decided I have to be at peace with that, with this season right now. Because when I'm not, I lose focus of WHO my main focus should be. What my eyes should be set on. My eyes shouldn't be set on "finishing chemo" (even tho that is an awesome thing to have ahead of me) But it should be set on how good God is and what His plan for me is right now, whatever it is. Every morning my first thought is how can God use me. What is His plan for me today. You never know what tomorrow holds. You could get cancer and die, and you might never have the chance to let God use you. I don't want that to be me. But why have an attitude of helplessness when I have a GOOD God. A God who has yet to let me down during this journey, He is the same God who raised people to life after death, and He's my God.

So, here I am saying, that next month even if my scan comes back and still shows cancer, or even if it takes years to grow my hair back, or even now feeling fat, ugly and hairless, God is still good, and He is the one I choose to serve.

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