Hello 4 am sleepless nights in the hospital. The lovely beeping of my chemo pump is keeping me awake, so why not blog. Now my intent of the post is NOT to complain about my condition, (which is surprisingly very easy to do lol) but to show what God is teaching me thru all this and the lessons He is showing me, and how He is sovereign through it all. So lets start with what was spoken over my when I first started this lovely posion called EPOCH chemotherapy.
"You'll be nauseous," "you'll be tired," "it will get worse before it gets better," "you're gonna lose all that hair of yours." These were some of the words spoken to me right as I started chemotherapy, and as I started my new "chapter in life." I thought I was prepared. I was very much mistaken, I want to share the part of chemo I don't really talk about, but thought I'd share the lessons I'm learning through all this.
Lets start with the nausea. My first round of chemotherapy, they had my nausea pretty much under control, and I was out of it and drugged up for most of it anyways. My second round, barely any nausea. I thought "man this is pretty simple." Then my 3rd hospital visit following my passing out incident, I ended up camping out in the bathroom one morning with an awesome nurse due to the vomiting. I went home later that week and had a few incidents of nausea, but nothing my medications couldn't handle.Then my third round of chemo came and went, and that is when the nausea hit me, and the medications weren't taking even the edge off of the nausea. Falling asleep with barf buckets, falling asleep on the bathroom floor, and sitting in the bathroom holding the toilet bowling crying to my mom telling her no one should ever have to go through this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. This stupid nausea has ruined meal outings, and nights where I'm out enjoying life. Now I'm in the middle of round four, and the nausea has so far been the worst. I've fallen asleep holding onto that barf bucket, and taking medications every few hours. BUT, I am choosing joy, because it could be worse. I'm only dealing with extreme nausea. I've only vomited once through out this whole process, and lets be real, I'll choose nausea over vomiting any day. So the Lord has been good, and the prayers of the mighty have not gone unanswered. (My mom sends out text messages to her prayer warriors when I have bad nights of extreme nausea.)
Another lovely symptom I thought I could handle is the tiredness. Holy crap, EVERYTHING makes me tired. I can't walk around Walmart with my mom without looking for a glorious bench to sit down on. Going to the mall, the one thing that makes me feel normal, tires me out. So glad they have couches right in the middle of the mall. I've had to learn to go shopping WITH people so they can drive my car if need be. Its so humbling to look at someone and ask them to drive you somewhere because you are unable to. Last week I went shopping to "feel normal" (we only went shopping for maybe 4 hours) and the second I got home I crashed on the couch and didn't wake up til my mom woke me up for my evening medications, This has been a huge hurdle for me to get through since I was always the one with the energy, working nights and pulling crazy hours. Now...I'm falling asleep whenever I lie down.. The Lord has taught me the term "resting in His arms" so much and I'm embrace that and allowing myself to rest in His arms when I can not carry on.
This kinda ties into the weakness. How humbling is it to need help to walk up steps, to have to ask someone to carry your laundry basket, groceries or your purse. I use to hate asking people for help, (I still do) but I'm learning I can't do everything on my own, and God has placed my family and friends to help carry that burden whether physically or emotionally. Wheelchairs have been a Godsend in the hospital, which is another humbling and scary thing to have my mom push me around the hospital because sometimes my legs just cant do what I want them to do. But I'm holding onto the promise in 1 Corinthians that says "When I am weak, then You are strong."
Now I know I've talked a bit on losing my hair, and its been an emotional roller coaster. I haven't cried over the bald head, but I miss my hair every day. I've learned on the hair days when I don't want to be "cancer bald" that scarves work amazingly. Makes me feel like I somewhat have hair, and they don't look too shabby. I refuse to wear my wig since I look like the 14 year old version of Jacqueline Kennedy. So I'll pass on that and wear my scarves that so many people have blessed me with.
"It gets worse before it gets better."Some of my hurdles and symptoms I've talked about, yes they suck. But I wont let them steal my joy, My mom has been a huge prayer warrior along with so many people when I feel crappy (like I mentioned before) I feel so much at peace during my "hugging the toilet bowl" nights
SO the title of my blog says "on my weakest days I get stronger." and that's only through the strength the Lord gives me, not my own. I'd give up so quickly but there are so many promises I can hold onto. I KNOW that by His stripes I am the healed of the Lord. I know I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength. I know weeping may come for the night but His everlasting joy comes in the morning. I know He is in the midst of me and I WON"T BE MOVED. He is still fighting for me and fighting off the nausea and weakness for me. And He does all this because He LOVES me with His everlasting and precious love. I can't be more thankful and blessed that I have a God who is over an entire universe and still chooses to love me and HEAL my body.